heart pages 🌃

I've been staring at a blank canvas like a poet who has lost his heart
I miss the days words bled into paper like seamless art
These days it's chatgpt whenever I need a soothing sound
It's ironic, turning to an algorithm to give emotions to a dying craft

There's a lot I wanted to say to you, but much is hidden in the fear of not being good enough...I'm sorry it took me this long before I could pour into your life, I know these words can become a prophesy and a life line so you shouldn't have to ask. God gave me freely but I've been holding back. I've erased so much because it never sounded like me. lately I've been focused on sounding real than being real,so I lived so much on the surface my pieces lacked originality, a poet's peace comes from his reality but I wonder when it became ok for me to stop imagining. I was supposed to be the right man for you, but all I wonder now is how much of me is true. seems like honesty is overdue. 

I know it's easier to say I love you and goodnight than to admit I get scared of the thought of not waking up with you by my side, I wanna say my type of love doesn't hurt but I'll be lying if I don't admit my heart cries everytime you sound a lil excited talking about another man. Yeah, I'm the jealous type, the I want to watch  the sunset with you, wish on the stars and kiss the sunrise off your skin,then stay in bed playing footsies under the sheets type, coz why not, see If peace was a person, she would come learn from you, learn how to stay, how not to leave at the sight of trouble, how to listen, how to hold my heart with the strength of trust, then her kids and ours would learn how to love from all the moments you look at me as if your next breath hangs in that smile. 

See I wanna find the good thing, the one that only  comes when you become my wife. I don't wanna waste time procrastinating coz we only got this life. I know we say they are promise rings and to others they are just halo metals but to me it's a promise that I'll always hear your voice on the other end of that hello everytime your phone rings. I love the way you call my name, like you trust me to always hold your hand, to always lead you right and be a better man regardless, see  what's less, is the credit you give yourself for your patience. I don't just wanna say I see you, I wanna show you everyday. Intimacy does not begin when our lips touch but when I can  make your heart glad from miles away.

I am terrified I haven't always done right by you, that I haven't always given you flowers and dark chocolate. Everytime you wish for sumn' in the shelf my mind strangles the air from my windpipe coz I know these words might not be enough to give you your flowers and my dark skin able to heal your pain the way chocolate does. I wonder how to love you right coz  you are more than the prices on the shelves that I may not be able to currently afford...but I'm more grateful that despite that, you look at me with pride, you store my words in treasure jars like blank cheques you know  I will honor, you hold my hand like a protective shield from societal condemnation and never let me be crushed underneath the boulders on my shoulders. I love you courage,not because fear had never been a factor but because there are things that matter more to you than pleasing strangers....and that is loving right. 

I wanna do that too, be there to silence the voices with the right choices.
It's the little I can do to show you I love you.

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